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eliyesTitle: Roger Aubrey and the Gingerbread Menace
Timing: Present
Summary: Expanding on the gingerbread men thing previously mentioned in Yule: Preparation Is Key.
A/N: Please note that "expanding on" is not the same thing as "explaining". ;3
Roger Aubrey's Christmas tree decorations had a clear theme: gingerbread men. Gingerbread men everywhere. But it wasn't always that way.
The oldest decorations on the tree were inherited from his mother: pressed glass he strongly suspected was recycled from beer bottles, with painted-on white icing details. He remembered she'd had a full dozen; only four made it through the wars, and he was down to three, now.
The rest were made from all kinds of things: wood, clay, plastic, wool, papier-mâché, leather, stone, rubber, paste, cardboard, cloth... Each year he added a new one. He'd been collecting them since 1950; at this point there was little room left on the tree for anything else.
On the face of it, it wasn't so very strange. Other people had ornament themes -- Santa Claus, snowmen, angels, and the like. Other people must have been buying some of those gingerbread men ornaments he found each year. But other people weren't using their tree decorations the way a fighter pilot used stencils of enemy planes.
You see, Roger Aubrey was where bad gingerbread men went to die.
Every year -- every single Christmas since 1950 -- he fought off an invasion of malevolent cookies. It didn't seem to matter where he spent the holidays, they found him. Over time, he noticed that he had better luck against them in England, and that fighting at their size was more effective than otherwise.
Why? He had no idea. He'd had his mother's ornaments checked, and they weren't magical, so it wasn't them that drew the gingerbread men to him. Maybe there was a cursed cookie cutter, or an infernal recipe book, that produced them each December. He didn't know what would happen if they ever won -- other than his death, of course -- but he was a hero and he would defend the world from their tiny festive evil without fail.
Sometimes he had help.
Brian, of course, for the first few years, until Brian was gone, and Jackie, on and off. Once -- and only once -- Namor had helped. It... had gone poorly. 'Gingerbread Battered Sea King' about said it all, really. As if the inevitable elf jokes weren't enough to sour the Sub-Mariner on the whole season.
But there were a surprising number of heroes who turned up just for the holidays, he discovered.
Gumdrop, the Sugarplum Pony. The sweetest ride on a hooved creature he'd ever experienced, with a startling baritone voice and a saucy sense of humour. The winter they maneuvered the gingerbread men and the Rat King's army into annihilating one another still stood out as one of Roger's finest triumphs in the yearly battle.
Holly and Ivy -- who seemed to incarnate in a different couple each year and fought demons of despair. Holly was always decked out in white and red finery, tossing around rays of sunlight and blood-red splashes of what he promised was just berry juice; he could strengthen any male ally, which Roger found useful. Ivy always wore green and white party clothes, could likewise strengthen female allies, and summoned ivy to entwine foes and stampeding herds of deer to run them over.
(Deer hooves were remarkably good at crushing gingerbread men, as it turned out.)
He crossed paths a few times with Christmas Cane (real name: Candace Shepherd), who was active around the holidays for over twenty years. The papers loved her. 'Christmas Cane Hooks Crooks!' the headlines would shout, or 'Cane Catches Conman', subtitled: 'Says Swindler, "She's Sweet!"' Unfortunately, her powers only lasted from St. Nicholas' Day to Candlemas, or Roger would have gotten her on a team.
There were many more: the Silver Bell; the Wassailers; the joyful sailors of the Yule Tide; the Christmas Greenery Bunch: Laurel, Rosemary, Mistletoe, Fir, Pine, and a completely unrelated Holly and Ivy; Snow Boy and his Slush Puppy; the oddly chipper Frankie and Myrrh; Figgy Duff (although Roger understood he was actually just visiting from Newfoundland)... and still others. And those were only the Christmas-related champions -- other holidays happening concurrently had heroes of their own.
Roger had asked his friends among these people to keep an eye out for a gingerbread invasion in the event of his demise before Christmas. His life was a dangerous one, and it was amazing he's survived this long, really. In fact, the gingerbread men had nearly done him in, his first Christmas without Brian. He'd wound up in the hospital, and a fine old pub had burned to the ground.
In a strange way, he might almost have been grateful for the annual distraction from what could otherwise be a lonely time of year. Mostly, though, it was a pain in the arse, one he was happy to signify finished for another go-round by hanging a new ornament on his tree.
It could have been bad if more-or-less turning into a vampire had made Christmas problematic for Jackie, but fortunately it hadn't. Instead, she'd shown up in bat form, with a smudge of red lipstick on her nose and the tiniest set of fake antlers he'd ever seen strapped to her furry head, offering him a little Santa hat at just the right size to wear if he shrunk down to ride on her back. The Christmas Bat, as they'd dubbed her, had been a staunch and clever ally against the gingerbread menace these past few years.
So this year, Roger had a set of pressed glass gingerbread men ornaments made from recycled beer bottles, just for her.
~FIN~
A/N 2: Roger, Jackie, Brian, and Namor all belong to Marvel. The Christmas Bat and the recurring gingerbread men attacks were brained by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kiffie and myself in a chat, so feel free to share all praise/blame for those between us. All the punful holiday-themed heroes are, to the best of my knowledge, the product of my own mind. X3 If you read French, you can find a recipe for making gingerbread breading here, but you'll have to supply the Sub-Mariner on your own. Good luck.
This fic was written Christmas Eve, 2012. :D
Timing: Present
Summary: Expanding on the gingerbread men thing previously mentioned in Yule: Preparation Is Key.
A/N: Please note that "expanding on" is not the same thing as "explaining". ;3
Roger Aubrey's Christmas tree decorations had a clear theme: gingerbread men. Gingerbread men everywhere. But it wasn't always that way.
The oldest decorations on the tree were inherited from his mother: pressed glass he strongly suspected was recycled from beer bottles, with painted-on white icing details. He remembered she'd had a full dozen; only four made it through the wars, and he was down to three, now.
The rest were made from all kinds of things: wood, clay, plastic, wool, papier-mâché, leather, stone, rubber, paste, cardboard, cloth... Each year he added a new one. He'd been collecting them since 1950; at this point there was little room left on the tree for anything else.
On the face of it, it wasn't so very strange. Other people had ornament themes -- Santa Claus, snowmen, angels, and the like. Other people must have been buying some of those gingerbread men ornaments he found each year. But other people weren't using their tree decorations the way a fighter pilot used stencils of enemy planes.
You see, Roger Aubrey was where bad gingerbread men went to die.
Every year -- every single Christmas since 1950 -- he fought off an invasion of malevolent cookies. It didn't seem to matter where he spent the holidays, they found him. Over time, he noticed that he had better luck against them in England, and that fighting at their size was more effective than otherwise.
Why? He had no idea. He'd had his mother's ornaments checked, and they weren't magical, so it wasn't them that drew the gingerbread men to him. Maybe there was a cursed cookie cutter, or an infernal recipe book, that produced them each December. He didn't know what would happen if they ever won -- other than his death, of course -- but he was a hero and he would defend the world from their tiny festive evil without fail.
Sometimes he had help.
Brian, of course, for the first few years, until Brian was gone, and Jackie, on and off. Once -- and only once -- Namor had helped. It... had gone poorly. 'Gingerbread Battered Sea King' about said it all, really. As if the inevitable elf jokes weren't enough to sour the Sub-Mariner on the whole season.
But there were a surprising number of heroes who turned up just for the holidays, he discovered.
Gumdrop, the Sugarplum Pony. The sweetest ride on a hooved creature he'd ever experienced, with a startling baritone voice and a saucy sense of humour. The winter they maneuvered the gingerbread men and the Rat King's army into annihilating one another still stood out as one of Roger's finest triumphs in the yearly battle.
Holly and Ivy -- who seemed to incarnate in a different couple each year and fought demons of despair. Holly was always decked out in white and red finery, tossing around rays of sunlight and blood-red splashes of what he promised was just berry juice; he could strengthen any male ally, which Roger found useful. Ivy always wore green and white party clothes, could likewise strengthen female allies, and summoned ivy to entwine foes and stampeding herds of deer to run them over.
(Deer hooves were remarkably good at crushing gingerbread men, as it turned out.)
He crossed paths a few times with Christmas Cane (real name: Candace Shepherd), who was active around the holidays for over twenty years. The papers loved her. 'Christmas Cane Hooks Crooks!' the headlines would shout, or 'Cane Catches Conman', subtitled: 'Says Swindler, "She's Sweet!"' Unfortunately, her powers only lasted from St. Nicholas' Day to Candlemas, or Roger would have gotten her on a team.
There were many more: the Silver Bell; the Wassailers; the joyful sailors of the Yule Tide; the Christmas Greenery Bunch: Laurel, Rosemary, Mistletoe, Fir, Pine, and a completely unrelated Holly and Ivy; Snow Boy and his Slush Puppy; the oddly chipper Frankie and Myrrh; Figgy Duff (although Roger understood he was actually just visiting from Newfoundland)... and still others. And those were only the Christmas-related champions -- other holidays happening concurrently had heroes of their own.
Roger had asked his friends among these people to keep an eye out for a gingerbread invasion in the event of his demise before Christmas. His life was a dangerous one, and it was amazing he's survived this long, really. In fact, the gingerbread men had nearly done him in, his first Christmas without Brian. He'd wound up in the hospital, and a fine old pub had burned to the ground.
In a strange way, he might almost have been grateful for the annual distraction from what could otherwise be a lonely time of year. Mostly, though, it was a pain in the arse, one he was happy to signify finished for another go-round by hanging a new ornament on his tree.
It could have been bad if more-or-less turning into a vampire had made Christmas problematic for Jackie, but fortunately it hadn't. Instead, she'd shown up in bat form, with a smudge of red lipstick on her nose and the tiniest set of fake antlers he'd ever seen strapped to her furry head, offering him a little Santa hat at just the right size to wear if he shrunk down to ride on her back. The Christmas Bat, as they'd dubbed her, had been a staunch and clever ally against the gingerbread menace these past few years.
So this year, Roger had a set of pressed glass gingerbread men ornaments made from recycled beer bottles, just for her.
~FIN~
A/N 2: Roger, Jackie, Brian, and Namor all belong to Marvel. The Christmas Bat and the recurring gingerbread men attacks were brained by
kiffie and myself in a chat, so feel free to share all praise/blame for those between us. All the punful holiday-themed heroes are, to the best of my knowledge, the product of my own mind. X3 If you read French, you can find a recipe for making gingerbread breading here, but you'll have to supply the Sub-Mariner on your own. Good luck.This fic was written Christmas Eve, 2012. :D
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-25 11:43 pm (UTC)That was the first legit and audible giggle. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-26 11:20 am (UTC)