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eliyesTitle: Roger Aubrey and the Gingerbread Menace
Timing: Present
Summary: Expanding on the gingerbread men thing previously mentioned in Yule: Preparation Is Key.
A/N: Please note that "expanding on" is not the same thing as "explaining". ;3
Roger Aubrey's Christmas tree decorations had a clear theme: gingerbread men. Gingerbread men everywhere. But it wasn't always that way.
The oldest decorations on the tree were inherited from his mother: pressed glass he strongly suspected was recycled from beer bottles, with painted-on white icing details. He remembered she'd had a full dozen; only four made it through the wars, and he was down to three, now.
The rest were made from all kinds of things: wood, clay, plastic, wool, papier-mâché, leather, stone, rubber, paste, cardboard, cloth... Each year he added a new one. He'd been collecting them since 1950; at this point there was little room left on the tree for anything else.
On the face of it, it wasn't so very strange. Other people had ornament themes -- Santa Claus, snowmen, angels, and the like. Other people must have been buying some of those gingerbread men ornaments he found each year. But other people weren't using their tree decorations the way a fighter pilot used stencils of enemy planes.
You see, Roger Aubrey was where bad gingerbread men went to die.
Every year -- every single Christmas since 1950 -- he fought off an invasion of malevolent cookies. It didn't seem to matter where he spent the holidays, they found him. Over time, he noticed that he had better luck against them in England, and that fighting at their size was more effective than otherwise.
Why? He had no idea. He'd had his mother's ornaments checked, and they weren't magical, so it wasn't them that drew the gingerbread men to him. Maybe there was a cursed cookie cutter, or an infernal recipe book, that produced them each December. He didn't know what would happen if they ever won -- other than his death, of course -- but he was a hero and he would defend the world from their tiny festive evil without fail.
Sometimes he had help.
Brian, of course, for the first few years, until Brian was gone, and Jackie, on and off. Once -- and only once -- Namor had helped. It... had gone poorly. 'Gingerbread Battered Sea King' about said it all, really. As if the inevitable elf jokes weren't enough to sour the Sub-Mariner on the whole season.
But there were a surprising number of heroes who turned up just for the holidays, he discovered.
Gumdrop, the Sugarplum Pony. The sweetest ride on a hooved creature he'd ever experienced, with a startling baritone voice and a saucy sense of humour. The winter they maneuvered the gingerbread men and the Rat King's army into annihilating one another still stood out as one of Roger's finest triumphs in the yearly battle.
Holly and Ivy -- who seemed to incarnate in a different couple each year and fought demons of despair. Holly was always decked out in white and red finery, tossing around rays of sunlight and blood-red splashes of what he promised was just berry juice; he could strengthen any male ally, which Roger found useful. Ivy always wore green and white party clothes, could likewise strengthen female allies, and summoned ivy to entwine foes and stampeding herds of deer to run them over.
(Deer hooves were remarkably good at crushing gingerbread men, as it turned out.)
He crossed paths a few times with Christmas Cane (real name: Candace Shepherd), who was active around the holidays for over twenty years. The papers loved her. 'Christmas Cane Hooks Crooks!' the headlines would shout, or 'Cane Catches Conman', subtitled: 'Says Swindler, "She's Sweet!"' Unfortunately, her powers only lasted from St. Nicholas' Day to Candlemas, or Roger would have gotten her on a team.
There were many more: the Silver Bell; the Wassailers; the joyful sailors of the Yule Tide; the Christmas Greenery Bunch: Laurel, Rosemary, Mistletoe, Fir, Pine, and a completely unrelated Holly and Ivy; Snow Boy and his Slush Puppy; the oddly chipper Frankie and Myrrh; Figgy Duff (although Roger understood he was actually just visiting from Newfoundland)... and still others. And those were only the Christmas-related champions -- other holidays happening concurrently had heroes of their own.
Roger had asked his friends among these people to keep an eye out for a gingerbread invasion in the event of his demise before Christmas. His life was a dangerous one, and it was amazing he's survived this long, really. In fact, the gingerbread men had nearly done him in, his first Christmas without Brian. He'd wound up in the hospital, and a fine old pub had burned to the ground.
In a strange way, he might almost have been grateful for the annual distraction from what could otherwise be a lonely time of year. Mostly, though, it was a pain in the arse, one he was happy to signify finished for another go-round by hanging a new ornament on his tree.
It could have been bad if more-or-less turning into a vampire had made Christmas problematic for Jackie, but fortunately it hadn't. Instead, she'd shown up in bat form, with a smudge of red lipstick on her nose and the tiniest set of fake antlers he'd ever seen strapped to her furry head, offering him a little Santa hat at just the right size to wear if he shrunk down to ride on her back. The Christmas Bat, as they'd dubbed her, had been a staunch and clever ally against the gingerbread menace these past few years.
So this year, Roger had a set of pressed glass gingerbread men ornaments made from recycled beer bottles, just for her.
~FIN~
A/N 2: Roger, Jackie, Brian, and Namor all belong to Marvel. The Christmas Bat and the recurring gingerbread men attacks were brained by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kiffie and myself in a chat, so feel free to share all praise/blame for those between us. All the punful holiday-themed heroes are, to the best of my knowledge, the product of my own mind. X3 If you read French, you can find a recipe for making gingerbread breading here, but you'll have to supply the Sub-Mariner on your own. Good luck.
This fic was written Christmas Eve, 2012. :D
Timing: Present
Summary: Expanding on the gingerbread men thing previously mentioned in Yule: Preparation Is Key.
A/N: Please note that "expanding on" is not the same thing as "explaining". ;3
Roger Aubrey's Christmas tree decorations had a clear theme: gingerbread men. Gingerbread men everywhere. But it wasn't always that way.
The oldest decorations on the tree were inherited from his mother: pressed glass he strongly suspected was recycled from beer bottles, with painted-on white icing details. He remembered she'd had a full dozen; only four made it through the wars, and he was down to three, now.
The rest were made from all kinds of things: wood, clay, plastic, wool, papier-mâché, leather, stone, rubber, paste, cardboard, cloth... Each year he added a new one. He'd been collecting them since 1950; at this point there was little room left on the tree for anything else.
On the face of it, it wasn't so very strange. Other people had ornament themes -- Santa Claus, snowmen, angels, and the like. Other people must have been buying some of those gingerbread men ornaments he found each year. But other people weren't using their tree decorations the way a fighter pilot used stencils of enemy planes.
You see, Roger Aubrey was where bad gingerbread men went to die.
Every year -- every single Christmas since 1950 -- he fought off an invasion of malevolent cookies. It didn't seem to matter where he spent the holidays, they found him. Over time, he noticed that he had better luck against them in England, and that fighting at their size was more effective than otherwise.
Why? He had no idea. He'd had his mother's ornaments checked, and they weren't magical, so it wasn't them that drew the gingerbread men to him. Maybe there was a cursed cookie cutter, or an infernal recipe book, that produced them each December. He didn't know what would happen if they ever won -- other than his death, of course -- but he was a hero and he would defend the world from their tiny festive evil without fail.
Sometimes he had help.
Brian, of course, for the first few years, until Brian was gone, and Jackie, on and off. Once -- and only once -- Namor had helped. It... had gone poorly. 'Gingerbread Battered Sea King' about said it all, really. As if the inevitable elf jokes weren't enough to sour the Sub-Mariner on the whole season.
But there were a surprising number of heroes who turned up just for the holidays, he discovered.
Gumdrop, the Sugarplum Pony. The sweetest ride on a hooved creature he'd ever experienced, with a startling baritone voice and a saucy sense of humour. The winter they maneuvered the gingerbread men and the Rat King's army into annihilating one another still stood out as one of Roger's finest triumphs in the yearly battle.
Holly and Ivy -- who seemed to incarnate in a different couple each year and fought demons of despair. Holly was always decked out in white and red finery, tossing around rays of sunlight and blood-red splashes of what he promised was just berry juice; he could strengthen any male ally, which Roger found useful. Ivy always wore green and white party clothes, could likewise strengthen female allies, and summoned ivy to entwine foes and stampeding herds of deer to run them over.
(Deer hooves were remarkably good at crushing gingerbread men, as it turned out.)
He crossed paths a few times with Christmas Cane (real name: Candace Shepherd), who was active around the holidays for over twenty years. The papers loved her. 'Christmas Cane Hooks Crooks!' the headlines would shout, or 'Cane Catches Conman', subtitled: 'Says Swindler, "She's Sweet!"' Unfortunately, her powers only lasted from St. Nicholas' Day to Candlemas, or Roger would have gotten her on a team.
There were many more: the Silver Bell; the Wassailers; the joyful sailors of the Yule Tide; the Christmas Greenery Bunch: Laurel, Rosemary, Mistletoe, Fir, Pine, and a completely unrelated Holly and Ivy; Snow Boy and his Slush Puppy; the oddly chipper Frankie and Myrrh; Figgy Duff (although Roger understood he was actually just visiting from Newfoundland)... and still others. And those were only the Christmas-related champions -- other holidays happening concurrently had heroes of their own.
Roger had asked his friends among these people to keep an eye out for a gingerbread invasion in the event of his demise before Christmas. His life was a dangerous one, and it was amazing he's survived this long, really. In fact, the gingerbread men had nearly done him in, his first Christmas without Brian. He'd wound up in the hospital, and a fine old pub had burned to the ground.
In a strange way, he might almost have been grateful for the annual distraction from what could otherwise be a lonely time of year. Mostly, though, it was a pain in the arse, one he was happy to signify finished for another go-round by hanging a new ornament on his tree.
It could have been bad if more-or-less turning into a vampire had made Christmas problematic for Jackie, but fortunately it hadn't. Instead, she'd shown up in bat form, with a smudge of red lipstick on her nose and the tiniest set of fake antlers he'd ever seen strapped to her furry head, offering him a little Santa hat at just the right size to wear if he shrunk down to ride on her back. The Christmas Bat, as they'd dubbed her, had been a staunch and clever ally against the gingerbread menace these past few years.
So this year, Roger had a set of pressed glass gingerbread men ornaments made from recycled beer bottles, just for her.
~FIN~
A/N 2: Roger, Jackie, Brian, and Namor all belong to Marvel. The Christmas Bat and the recurring gingerbread men attacks were brained by
kiffie and myself in a chat, so feel free to share all praise/blame for those between us. All the punful holiday-themed heroes are, to the best of my knowledge, the product of my own mind. X3 If you read French, you can find a recipe for making gingerbread breading here, but you'll have to supply the Sub-Mariner on your own. Good luck.This fic was written Christmas Eve, 2012. :D
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-25 12:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-27 11:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-28 12:50 am (UTC)And I pity any punster who isn't me tonight~
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-25 03:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-25 11:40 pm (UTC)Also, after the phrase "Gumdrop, the Sugarplum Pony" came to me, I had to write it all done. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-25 11:43 pm (UTC)That was the first legit and audible giggle. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-26 11:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-27 11:47 pm (UTC)*guffaw*
Figgy Duff (although Roger understood he was actually just visiting from Newfoundland)...
*braying guffaw*
In fact, the gingerbread men had nearly done him in, his first Christmas without Brian. He'd wound up in the hospital, and a fine old pub had burned to the ground.
;o;
So this year, Roger had a set of pressed glass gingerbread men ornaments made from recycled beer bottles, just for her.
( ._.|._. )
Fambly.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-28 12:59 am (UTC)please write me a Bob & Roger drabble for the holidays,
love your icon,
Ely
*guffaw*
*braying guffaw*
;o;
( ._.|._. )
Fambly.
Excellent, that was all the things I wanted this fic to make you do. :3
( ._.|._. ) Fambly indeed, sir.
Jackie: *shows up on Roger's doorstep late Christmas Day (after they've both slept off the heroics of the night before), with a gift-wrapped box, a gift-wrapped bottle, a festive hat, and a fake moustache*
Roger: *laughs helplessly for about 5 minutes after opening the door*
Drabble!
Date: 2013-01-11 09:48 am (UTC)But then Joey had walked into the room, carrying a tea tray, and scolding Roger for touching it— “It’s dangerous!” he hissed —when the space between them was suddenly taken by a white-haired man in a well-tailored suit, who all-but snarled, “I beg your pardon! It’s cursed, not infected with plague!”
And Roger was certain he’d like to keep the skull around. Just for a bit.
Re: Drabble!
Date: 2013-01-11 04:32 pm (UTC)Roger & Bob: snark buddies! They only haev a brief sojourn together, by Bob's standards, but they both sharpened their wit mercilessly on one another until it could cut lesser conversationalists.
A Double!
Date: 2013-01-11 07:33 pm (UTC)Well, 'sad' isn’t really the right word. ‘Disappointed’ might be. In the two months that the old skull has been neatly tucked into Joey’s bookshelf, the ghost has been the highlight to Roger’s visits. Not that he doesn’t genuinely want to visit Joey, and trading battle stories always makes Roger feel decades younger, but when Bob tells a story, Roger feels like a boy again.
A Response!
Date: 2013-01-14 05:14 pm (UTC)It's a little harder to overlook the way Mister brings Roger dead things and melts into a puddle of bliss when Roger pets him, or the way Roger blithely lends Harry a silver knife when he can't find the one he intended to use, or (after the third or fourth visit, and he's embarrassed it took him so long to notice) the way vampire activity drops whenever Roger's in town. (Apparently his reputation precedes him.)
But the big thing is Bob, and it's a bit of a revelation to watch Bob in storyteller mode when he's not necessarily trying to teach, to hear Bob chuckle at something Roger said -- to see Bob interact with someone who he doesn't see as a threat, like he does most wizards and supernatural threats.
Harry would be lying if he said he weren't jealous. (He is absolutely saying he's not jealous, if anyone should ask.)
So he's a little surprised when Roger pats him on the shoulder and tells him he's a good man, with a significant look back towards Bob. Like he means Harry's been good to Bob. It's... an embarrassingly warm feeling, and thank god for the English stiff upper lip or whatever, because Roger never gets more emotional around him than that.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-04 08:23 am (UTC)This also made me laugh during a tough time.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-04 05:15 pm (UTC)I'm glad it gave you a laugh when you needed one. I just wanted this Christmas to be merry and jolly, even though it can be sad.