TOS quotes, culled for my own nefarious purposes - Season 2

[eliyes]

Season 2 is pretty much my favourite. There's gonna be a lot of quotes.


Catspaw

Kirk: "Spock. Comment?"
Spock: "Very bad poetry, Captain."
Kirk: "A more useful comment, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Trick or treat, Captain?"
Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock. You'd be a natural. I'll explain it to you one day."

Korob: "Where did your race get this ridiculous predilection for resistance, hmm? You examine any object. You... you question everything. Is it not enough to accept what is?"

Sylvia: "You're very clever, Captain – more so than I'd imagined. Clever, resourceful, and handsome."
Spock: "Don't let her touch the wand, Captain."


Metamorphosis

Kirk: "How do you fight a thing like that?"
McCoy: "Maybe you're a soldier so often that you forget you're also trained to be a diplomat. Why not try a carrot instead of a stick?"

Spock: "The translator's for use with more congruent life forms."
Kirk: "Adjust it. Immortality is boring. Adjusting the translator will give you something to do."

Kirk: "Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome. You remove those obstacles. Without them to strengthen us, we will weaken and die."

Kirk: "There's no doubt about it – the Companion is female."
Cochrane: "I don't understand."
McCoy: "You don't? Why, a blind man could see it with a cane; you're not a pet, you're not a specimen kept in a cage – you're a lover."
Cochrane: "I'm a what?"
Spock: "Her attitude toward you is profoundly different from that when she contacts us. Her appearance is soft, gentle; her voice is melodic, pleasing. I do not totally understand the emotion, but it obviously exists; the Companion loves you."
Cochrane: "Do you know what you're saying? For all these years, I've let something as alien as that crawl around inside me, into my mind, my feelings?"
McCoy: "What are you complaining about – it kept you alive, didn't it?"
Cochrane: "That thing fed on me, used me – it's disgusting!"
McCoy: "There's nothing disgusting about it; it's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things."
Cochrane: "You're as bad as it is!"
Spock: "Your highly emotional reaction is most illogical. Your relationship with the Companion has, for one hundred fifty years, been emotionally satisfying, eminently practical, and totally harmless. It may, indeed, have been beneficial."
Cochrane: "Is this what the future holds? Men who have no notion of decency or morality? Well, maybe I'm a hundred and fifty years out of style, but I'm not going to be the fodder for any inhuman monster."
Spock: "Fascinating – a totally parochial attitude."

Kirk: "You regard the man as a mere toy; you amuse yourself with him."
Companion: "You are wrong. He exists – I care for him."
Kirk: "But you can't really love him. You haven't the slightest knowledge of what love is; the total union of two people. You are the Companion, he is the man; you are two different things. You can't join... you can't love. You may keep him here forever, but you will always be separate – apart from him."
Companion: "If... I were human, there could be... love?"

Cochrane: "I can't leave her. I love her. Is that surprising?"
Spock: "Not coming from a human being. You are, after all, essentially irrational."


Friday's Child

Kirk: "Do you think we can create a sonic disruption with two of our communicators?"
Spock: "Only a very slight chance it would work."
Kirk: "Well, if you don't think we can, maybe we shouldn't try."
Spock: "Captain, I didn't say that exactly."

Spock: "Fortunately, this bark has suitable tensile cohesion."
Kirk: "You mean it makes a good bowstring."
Spock: "I believe I said that."

Kirk: "How did you arrange to touch her, Bones, give her a happy pill?"
McCoy: "No... a right cross."
Kirk: "Never seen that in a medical book."
McCoy: "It's in mine from now on."

McCoy: (offering Spock Eleen's baby) "No, no, Mr. Spock, you place this arm under here to support its back and this hand here..."
Spock: "I would rather... I would rather not. Thank you."

Eleen: "McCoy, bring our child here."
Kirk: "'Our' child?"
McCoy: "I'll explain later."
Spock: "That should prove very interesting."

Scotty: "There's an old, old saying on Earth, Mr. Sulu. 'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.'"
Chekov: "I know this saying, it was invented in Russia."

Spock: "Well, at any rate, this should prove interesting."
Kirk: "Interesting?"
Spock: "When the woman starts explaining how the new High Teer is actually Dr. McCoy's child."
Scotty: "What's that again, Mr. Spock?"
Kirk: "We don't actually understand it ourselves, Mr. Scott."
Spock: "Nor does Dr. McCoy."

McCoy: "They're offering you a chance for combat. They consider it more pleasurable than love."

Spock: "'Oochie woochie coochie coo'?"
Kirk: "An obscure Earth dialect, Mr. Spock. Oochie woochie coochie coo. If you're curious, consult Linguistics."

Spock: "The child was named Leonard James Aka'ar?!"
McCoy: "Has a kind of a ring to it, don't you think, James?"
Kirk: "Yes, I think it's a name destined to go down in galactic history, Leonard. What do you think, Spock?"
Spock: "I think you're both going to be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month! ...Sir."


Who Mourns for Adonais?

Chekov: "Am I seeing things?"
Sulu: "Not unless I am, too. Captain! That thing's a... giant hand!"

Apollo: "Captain Kirk; I invite you and your officers to join me. But do not bring that one – the one with the pointed ears. He is much like Pan, and Pan always bored me. No sad faces – let your hearts prepare to sing!"
Kirk: "Let's go, Bones; you in good voice?"
McCoy: "Jim, are you sure this is a good idea?"
Kirk: "If we don't accept his gracious invitation, we'll have a crushed eggshell where this ship used to be."

Apollo: "Your fathers knew me, and your fathers' fathers – I am Apollo."
Chekov: "And I am the Czar of all the Russias!"
Kirk: "Mr. Chekov –"
Chekov: "I'm sorry, sir; I never met a god before."
Kirk: "And you haven't yet."

Apollo: "They defied me – until they felt my wrath."
Scott: "I would like to point out that we are quite capable of some wrath ourselves."

Kirk: "Mister Scott, I understand your concern over her, but she volunteered to go with him, hopefully to find out more about him. She's doing her job. I think it's about time you started doing yours. We've got to find out the source of his power. You've got a tricorder. Use it if you're able to."
Scott: "I'm able, sir."
Kirk: "And one more thing. I want no more unauthorized action against Apollo or whatever he is. That's an order!"
Scott: "Aye, aye, sir."
Kirk: "Besides, you stiff-necked thistle head, you could have gotten yourself killed."
Scott: "Aye.

Chekov: "Captain, some creatures can pass energy through their bodies with no harm to themselves. The electric eel on Earth. The giant dry-worm of Antos IV. The fluffy –"
McCoy: "Not the whole encyclopedia, Chekov."
Chekov: "The captain requires complete information."
McCoy: "Spock's contaminating this boy, Jim."

Kirk: "Where's Apollo?"
Chekov: "He disappeared again! Like the cat in that Russian story..."
Kirk: "Don't you mean the English story – the Cheshire cat?"
Chekov: "Cheshire? No, sir. Minsk, perhaps, but..."
Kirk: "All right, all right, all right..."

Chekov: "Perhaps if I assisted?"
Kirk: "How old are you?"
Chekov: "Twenty-two, sir."
Kirk: "Then I'd better handle it."

Kirk: "We're the same. We share the same history, the same heritage, the same lives. We're tied together beyond any untying. Man or woman, it makes no difference. We're human. We couldn't escape from each other even if we wanted to -- that's how you do it, Lieutenant! By remembering who and what you are! A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without end. And the only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity. That's where your duty lies!"


Amok Time
(NOTE: Spock is 35 in this episode, when he suffers pon farr for the first time; however, in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, it happens when he's equivalent to 25.)
[Other note: If you've ever read a "fuck or die" fanfic, you can blame/thank this episode for it!]

McCoy: "Jim, you gotta get Spock to Vulcan."
Kirk: "Bones, I will, I will, as soon as this mission is complete..."
McCoy: "NO! Now, right away. You don't get him to Vulcan in a week, eight days at the outside, he'll die. He'll die, Jim!"

Sulu: "How do you figure it, Chekov? First we're going to Vulcan, then we're going to Altair, then we're headed to Vulcan again. Now we're headed back to Altair."
Chekov: "I think I'm going to get spacesick."

McCoy: "Jim, when I suggested to Spock that it was time for his check-up, your logical, unemotional first officer turned to me and said, 'You will cease to pry into my personal matters, Doctor, or I shall certainly break your neck.'"

Spock: "Captain, there is a thing that happens to Vulcans at this time. Almost an insanity, which you would no doubt find distasteful."
Kirk: "Will I? You've been most patient with my kinds of madness."

Kirk: "Well, uh... there's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees."
Spock: "The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Captain. If they were... if any creature as proudly logical as us...were to have their logic ripped from them...as this time does to us. How do Vulcans choose their mates? Haven't you wondered?"
Kirk: "I guess the rest of us assume that it's done...quite logically."
Spock: "No."
Kirk: "No."

Kirk: "I owe him my life a dozen times over – isn't that worth a career? He's my friend!"

T'Pau: "Spock, are our ceremonies for outworlders too?"
Spock: "They are not outworlders. They are my friends."

T'Pau: "What thee are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning, without change. This is the Vulcan heart, this is the Vulcan soul. This is our way."

T'Pau: "If both survive the lirpa, combat will continue with the ahn woon."
Kirk: "Uh, what do you mean, 'If both survive...'?"
T'Pau: "This combat is to the death."

Spock: "Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission, of course..."
McCoy: "Uh, Spock..."
Spock: "...so, I would appreciate your making the final arrangements."
McCoy: "Spock, I..."
Spock: "Doctor, please, let me finish. There can be no excuse for the crime of which I'm guilty - I intend to offer no defense. Furthermore, I shall order Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel."
Kirk: (behind Spock) "Don't you think you better check with me first?"
Spock: "Captain?!?! JIM!!!"

McCoy: "You can't tell me that when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would have brought the house down!"
Spock: "Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain."
Kirk: (smiling) "Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand."
Spock: "Thank you, Captain."
McCoy: "Of course, Mr. Spock, your reaction was quite logical."
Spock: "Thank you, Doctor."
McCoy: "In a pig's eye!"


The Doomsday Machine

Spock: "Random chance seems to have operated in our favor."
McCoy: "In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky."
Spock: "I believe I said that, doctor."


Wolf in the Fold

Spock: "In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians."

Kirk: "What would the life form do in a tranquilized body?"
McCoy: "Well, it might take up knitting – nothing more violent than that."

Kirk: "Well, Mr. Spock for the next five or six hours we're going to have the happiest crew in space... of course, we won't get much work done."

Spock: "Captain – since you came to Argelius to rest, I suggest you take advantage of the opportunity."
Kirk: "That's a splendid idea, Mr. Spock. I know a café where the women are so -–"
McCoy: "I know the place, Jim!"
Scott: "Let's go see!"
Kirk: "You, gentlemen? In your condition? Don't be ridiculous. Mr. Spock – this café has women that are so... No, I guess not."


The Changeling
(Note: Kirk is a terrible mom. Also, this is one of those episodes where we see Kirk "discuss a computer to death". If he should ever meet Data... ;3)

Kirk: "...It's 'space-happy!' It thinks I'm its... mother."
Spock: "And that is the only thing that has saved us until now."

Spock: "Congratulations, Captain; a dazzling display of logic."
Kirk: "You didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?"
Spock: "No, sir."

Kirk: "It's not easy to lose a bright and promising son."
Spock: "Sir?"
Kirk: "Well, it thought I was its mother didn't it? Do you think I am completely without feelings Mr. Spock? You saw what it did to Scotty. What a doctor it would have made." (Pause) "My son, the doctor." (Hits heart) "Gets you right there."


The Apple
(The episode where they teach the natives about sex. I'm not kidding. The episode where the Redshirt Phenomenon really takes off. Every red-shirted male in the landing party dies horribly. Hendorff is killed by the plant's poisoned darts, Kaplan by the lightning, Mallory is blown up by an exploding rock, and Marple is killed by a blow to the head. The episode where a woman literally kicks ass in a fight. The episode where Spock has a really bad day, including nearly dying several times, and I laugh and laugh.)

Chekov: "It makes me homesick. Just like Russia."
McCoy: "More like the Garden of Eden, Ensign."
Chekov: "Of course, Doctor. The Garden of Eden was just outside Moscow. A very nice place. It must have made Adam and Eve very sad to leave."

Kirk: (busting his subordinates for making out on an away mission) "Mr. Chekov, Lieutenant Landon. I know you find each other fascinating, but we're not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology."

Spock: (throws a rock, which explodes)
Kirk: "Would you mind being careful where you throw your rocks, Mister Spock?"
Spock: "Obviously highly unstable, captain. This could be a finding of some importance. In large quantities it could be a considerable source of power."
Kirk: "Garden of Eden, with land mines."

Spock: "Dr. McCoy's potion is acting like all his potions -- turning my stomach. Other than that, I am quite well."
McCoy: "If your blood were red instead of green, you wouldn't have an upset stomach."

Kirk: "What were you trying to do?"
Spock: "I surmised you were unaware of that plant, so I --"
Kirk: "Took the thorns yourself."
Spock: "I assure you, Captain, I had no intention of doing that. My own clumsiness prevented me from moving out of the way."
Kirk: "Next time, yell. I can step out of the way as quickly as the next man."
Spock: "I shall do so."
Kirk: "You know how much Starfleet has invested in you?"
Spock: "One hundred twenty-two thousand, two hundred --"
Kirk: "Never mind." (softly) "But.. thanks."

Spock: (a native drapes a flower lei around his neck)
Kirk: "It, ah, does something for you."
Spock: "Yes, indeed it does, Captain. It makes me uncomfortable."

Akuta: "Ah, the holding and touching. Vaal has forbidden this."
McCoy: "Well there goes paradise."

McCoy: (examines Spock after he was struck by lightning) "Second degree burns. Not serious, but I bet they smart."
Spock: "Doctor, you have an unsurpassed talent for understatement."

McCoy: "There are certain absolutes, and one of them is the right of humanoids to a free and unchained environment -- the right to have conditions which permit growth."
Spock: "Another is their right to choose that system which seems to work best for them."

Spock: "The good doctor was concerned that the Vaalians achieve true human stature. I submit there is no cause for worry. They've taken the first step. They've learned to kill."

Kirk: "Scotty...you're my chief engineer. You know everything about that ship there is to know. If you can't get those warp engines working... you're fired."

Scotty: "Captain, we pulled away a little, we gained... maybe an hour... but we blew almost every system in the ship doing it. There's nothing left to try again. I guess you'll have to fire me, sir."
Kirk: "You're fired."

Kirk: "Spock... you and Chekov create a diversion and make it loud."
Spock: "Mr. Chekov, your tricorder readings are totally inefficient!"
Chekov: "Mind your own business, sir! For your information, I have a very high efficiency rating!"
Spock: "Ensign, you will not address me in that tone of voice!"
Chekov: "What do you want, violins?"

Spock: "Precisely, Captain, and in a manner of speaking, we have given the people of Vaal the apple, the knowledge of good and evil, and they, too, have been driven out of paradise."
Kirk: "Doctor, do I understand him correctly? Are you casting me in the role of Satan?"
Spock: "Not at all, Captain."
Kirk: "Is there anyone on this ship... who even remotely... looks like Satan?" (Kirk and McCoy both stare at Spock)
Spock: "I am not aware of anyone who fits that description, Captain."
Kirk: "I didn't think you would."

(NOTE: In Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Spock has a painting of Adam and Eve being cast out of paradise on the wall in his quarters.)


Mirror, Mirror

Kirk: "Scotty, can you do it?"
Scott: "Not by myself, I'll need help and you'd be too conspicuous."
(Scotty and Kirk both glance at McCoy)
McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not an engineer!"
Scotty: "Now you're an engineer."

Mirror Spock: (to Kirk) "I have received a private communication from Starfleet Command. I am committing a breach of regulations by informing you of its contents."
Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock."
Mirror Spock: "I am instructed to wait until planet dawn over principal target to permit you to carry out our mission."
Kirk: "And if I refuse?"
Mirror Spock: "In that event, I am ordered to kill you, and to proceed against the Halkans as the new captain of the Enterprise."

Kirk: "Shoot, you're wasting time."
Mirror Spock: "I shall not waste time with you, nor do I intend to simply disappear as so many of your opponents have in the past. You are too... inflexible, too determined once you've made up your mind. But Dr. McCoy has a plentitude of human weaknesses. Sentimental. Soft. You may not tell me what I want to know, but he will."

Mirror Sulu: (flirtatiously) "Still no interest, Uhura? I could change your mind."
Uhura: "You are away from your post, Mister!"
Mirror Sulu: "Is the Captain here? Is Spock here?" (amused) "When the cat's away..."

Mirror Chekov: (with phaser aimed at Kirk) "And so you die, Captain, and we all move up in rank! No one will question the assassination of a Captain who has disobeyed Prime Orders of the Empire!"

Mirror Spock: "Captain. I am pleased that you frustrated Mr. Chekov's plan. I should regret your death."
Kirk: "Why?"
Mirror Spock: "I do not desire the captaincy. I much prefer my scientific duties and I am frankly content to be a lesser target."
Kirk: "Logical as always, Mr. Spock."

Mirror Kirk: "Spock, what is it you want? Power?"
Spock: "Fascinating."
Mirror Kirk: "Power, Spock?! I can get that for you!!"

Mirror Marlena: "I've been a captain's woman, and I like it. I'll be one again, if I have to go through every officer in the fleet."
Kirk: "You could... I simply meant that you could be anything you wanted to be."

Mirror Sulu: "It's your play, I hope you succeed. Because the order would fall on me next, and you know how Captain Kirk's enemies have a... habit of... disappearing."
Mirror Spock: "If I am successful, you see yourself a step nearer to the captaincy. I do not want to command the Enterprise, but if it should befall me, I suggest that you remember that my operatives would avenge my death and some of them are Vulcans."

Kirk: "What is this, Mr. Sulu?"
Mirror Sulu: "Mr. Spock has orders to kill you, Captain. He will succeed... apparently. You will also appear to have killed him, after a fierce battle. Regrettable, but it will leave me in command."

Kirk: "If change is inevitable, predictable, beneficial, doesn't logic demand that you be a part of it? One man cannot summon the future. But one man can change the present. Be the Captain of this Enterprise, Mr. Spock. Find a logical reason for sparing the Halkans and make it stick. Push till it gives. You can defend yourself better than any man in the fleet."

Kirk: "Conquest is easy. Control is not."

Kirk: "In every revolution, there is one man with a vision."
Mirror Spock: "Captain Kirk, I shall consider it."

Kirk: "You're a man of integrity in both universes, Mr. Spock."

Kirk: "Spock?"
Spock: "Welcome home, Captain."

Spock: "It was far easier for you as civilized men to behave like barbarians than it was for them as barbarians to behave like civilized men."

McCoy: "Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. It gave him character. Of course almost any change would be a distinct improvement."
Kirk: "What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart."

Spock: "May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous -- in every way, splendid examples of homo sapiens. The very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing."
Kirk: "I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted."
McCoy: "I'm sure."


The Deadly Years

Chekov: "'Give us some more blood, Chekov. The needle won't hurt, Chekov. Take off your shirt, Chekov. Roll over, Chekov, breathe deeply, Chekov! Blood samples, Chekov; Marrow samples, Chekov; Skin samples, Chekov.' If, if, I live long enough, I'm going to run out of samples."
Sulu: "You'll live."
Chekov: "Oh yes I'll live, but I won't enjoy it."

McCoy: "I don't know what's causing it, virus, bacteria or evil spirits, but I'm trying to find out."

Commodore Stocker: "Lieutenant Uhura, let me know if we contact any Romulans."
(the Enterprise takes a hit)
Uhura: "I think we just made contact, sir."

Commodore Stocker: (assessing the apparent hopelessness of the Enterprise's situation while surrounded by the Romulans) "Well then we have no choice but to surrender."
Chekov: "Sir, the Romulans do not take captives."

Spock: "Doctor, the ship's temperature is becoming increasingly cold. I've adjusted the temperature in my quarters to 125 degrees which is at least tolerable, and..."
McCoy: "Well, I can see I'm not gonna make any house calls on you!"
Spock: "I was wondering if there was something which could lower my sensitivity to cold."
McCoy: "I'm not a magician, Spock. Just an old country doctor."
Spock: "Yes, as I always suspected."

McCoy: "Because of your Vulcan physique, I've prepared an extremely potent shot for you. However, I thought you'd might like to know that I've removed all the breakables from sickbay."
Spock: "That is very considerate of you, Doctor."

Commodore Stocker: "Captain I just wanted you to know I did what I thought was best."
Kirk: "Noted. You should know, however, that there are very few things a Starbase can do that a starship can't."
Commodore Stocker: "If I may say, Captain, so I am now quite aware of what a starship can do -- with the right man at the helm."


I, Mudd
...You know what, just go watch it. The entire thing is hysterical.


The Trouble with Tribbles
(Also hysterical, but a bit less quoteable.)

Kirk: "Mr. Chekov, this flight is supposed to provide both experience and knowledge. How close will we come to the nearest Klingon outpost if we continue on our present course?"
Chekov: "Ah, one parsec, sir. Close enough to smell them!"
Spock: "That is illogical, Ensign. Odors cannot travel through the vacuum of space."
Chekov: "I was making a little joke, sir."
Spock: "Extremely little, Ensign."

Nilz Baris: "This place is swarming with Klingons!"
Kirk: "I was unaware that 12 Klingons constituted a swarm."

Nilz Baris: "Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this important project far too lightly."
Kirk: "On the contrary, sir, I think of this project as very important. It is you I take lightly."

Kirk: (to Nilz Baris) "We have guards around the grain; we have guards around the Klingons, and the only reason they're there is because Starfleet wants them there. As for what you want, it has been noted and logged."

Baris: "Kirk, I will hold you responsible for this!"
Kirk: "Mr. Baris I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up."

Kirk: "Scotty, you're... confined to quarters until further notice."
Scotty: "Aye sir. Thank you, sir! That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals!"

Spock: "A most curious creature, Captain. Its trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. Fortunately, of course... I am... immune... to... its... effect..." (begins cuddling and stroking the tribble, then stops himself when the crew look at him, and leaves with Kirk)

McCoy: "Do you know what you get when you feed a tribble too much?"
Kirk: "A fat tribble."
McCoy: "No, you get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles."
Kirk: "Well, all I can suggest is that you open a maternity ward."

McCoy: "Well the nearest thing that I can figure is that they're born pregnant –- which appears to be quite a time-saver!"

McCoy: "It's a human trait to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way."
Spock: "Doctor, I am well aware of human traits, I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with just about anything."
McCoy: "Spock, I don't know much about these things, but I do know one thing. I like them... better than I like you!"
Spock: "Doctor, they do indeed have one redeeming quality."
McCoy: "What's that?"
Spock: "They do not talk too much."

Kirk: (orders lunch from the replicator, but instead gets more tribbles.) "My coffee and chicken sandwich?" (shows Spock) "This is my coffee and chicken sandwich?" (losing his patience) "I want these things off the ship. I don't care if it takes every man we've got. I want them off the ship!"

Spock: "Surely you must have realized what would happen if you removed the tribbles from their predator-filled environment, into an environment where their natural multiplicative proclivities would have no restraining factors."
Cyrano Jones: "Well, of cour– what did you say?"

(after an avalanche of tribbles buries Kirk)
Baris: "There must be thousands of them!"
Kirk: "Tens of thousands."
Spock: "One million seven hundred seventy one thousand five hundred and sixty one."
(everyone stares at him)
Spock: "That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of ten every twelve hours over a period of three days."

Kirk: "As captain of this ship, I want two things done. First, find out what killed the Tribbles, and second--" (a tribble falls through the trapdoor and bounces off his head) "...close that door."

Scotty: "I gave them to the Klingons, sir."
Kirk: "You gave them to the Klingons?"
Scotty: "Aye. Just before they went into warp, I transported the whole bundle into their engine room, where there'll be no tribble at all."


Bread and Circuses

(as Spock and Bones banter)
Flavius: "Are they enemies, Captain?"
Kirk: "I'm not sure they're sure."

Flavius: "What do you call those?"
Spock: "I call them ears."
Flavius: "Are you trying to be funny?"
Spock: "Never."

Flavius: "The message of the sun, that all men are brothers, was kept from us. Perhaps I'm a fool to believe it. It does often seem that man must fight to live."
Kirk: "You go on believing it, Flavius. All men are brothers."

Uhura: "I'm afraid you have it all wrong. All of you. I've been monitoring their old style radio broadcasts. The Empire's spokesman trying to ridicule their religion. But he couldn't." (after a brief silence) "Don't you understand? It's not the sun up in the sky. It's the Son of God!"
Kirk: "Caesar and Christ. They have them both."
Spock: "It will replace their imperial Rome, but it will happen in their twentieth century."
Kirk: "And the word is spreading... only now. Wouldn't it be something to watch it happen all over again?"


Journey to Babel
(meet Spock's parents)

McCoy: "Dress uniforms, spit n' polish - I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to stand this."

McCoy: (attempting to seperate his fingers in a Vulcan greeting) "That hurts worse than the uniform."

Kirk: "As soon as you're settled, I'll arrange a tour of the ship - Mr. Spock will conduct --"
Sarek: "I would prefer another guide."
Kirk: "As you wish, Ambassador. Mr. Spock, we'll leave orbit in two hours - would you care to beam down and visit your parents?"
Spock: "Captain... Ambassador Sarek and his wife are my parents."

McCoy: "Spock, I've always suspected that you were a little more... human than you've let on. Mrs. Sarek, I know of the rigorous training of the Vulcan youth, but tell me - did he ever run and play like the... human children, even in secret?"
Amanda: "Well, he did have a pet sehlat he was very fond of..."
McCoy: "Sehlat?"
Amanda: (mischeivous smile) "Sort of, a... a fat teddy bear."
McCoy: (smiling hugely) "A teddy bear?!"

McCoy: "A teddy bear!"
Spock: "Not precisely, Doctor. On Vulcan, the 'teddy bears' are alive – and they have six-inch fangs."

Sarek: "Tellarites do no argue for reasons; they simply argue."

Spock: "There is no logic in the attack on the Captain. There is no logic in Gav's murder."
Shras: "Perhaps you should forget about logic, and devote yourself to motivation and passion again. Those are reasons for murder."

Amanda: "When you were five years old, and came home, stiff lipped, anguished, because the other boys tormented you -- saying that you weren't really Vulcan -- I watched you, knowing that... inside... the human part of you was crying. And I cried too. There must be some part of me in you. Some part that I still can reach. If being Vulcan is more important to you, then you'll stand there, speaking rules and regulations from Starfleet and Vulcan philosophy, and let your father die. And I'll hate you for the rest of my life."

Amanda: "Oh, logic. I am so tired of hearing about your logic."
Spock: "Emotional, isn't she?"
Sarek: "She has always been that way."
Spock: "Indeed. Why did you marry her?"
Sarek: "At the time it seemed like the logical thing to do."

WE DIVERT NOW FROM SHOW QUOTES FOR AN ASIDE ABOUT VULCANS
I adore Sarek and Spock when they're getting along. Like the quote above, when they're teasing Amanda, that's awesome. I'm been reading a lot of novels, and few quite manage to capture this dynamic -- but some do. Here are two examples:

excerpt from Star Trek: Federation by Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens
pg.116-117 (takes place just after "Journey to Babel")

Then it was Spock's turn to say farewell to his parents. "Father, I wish you success at the conference."

"That is not logical, Spock. Your wishes will not effect the outcome."

"But as someone who respects the Federation and your position on the question of the Coridan Admission, it is logical for me to have those wishes."

"Undoubtedly. But why do you find it necessary to share them with me when they can have no part of what I must do?"

"I do not find it necessary. I merely state them so you may know your logic is supported by independent analysis."

"I see. It is a logical position."

Amanda sighed with a happy smile. "Just like the old days.["]


excerpt from Star Trek Academy: Collision Course by William Shatner and Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens
pg. 111-112 (takes place in an AU; Spock is 19)

"That is an unacceptable answer," Spock said, surprising himself as much as his parents with his rebellious attitude. "It is one thing to know that the embassy staff does not trust me, as if they think I am something other than Vulcan. But when you, my own father, treat me with a similar level of distrust..." He then delivered the harshest assessment any Vulcan son could make of his father. "I find your behaviour toward me unsatisfactory."

Amanda was steeped enough in Vulcan ways to put her hand over her mouth in stunned silence.

The charged moment became worse as Sarek replied to the outburst, treating his son as harshly in turn. "I find your statement disrespectful."

"Stop it, you two!" Amanda said urgently. "I will not stand by and have you say such hurtful things to each other!"

BACK TO THE SHOW


A Private Little War

Kirk: "Spock, ask Scotty how long it would take him to reproduce 100 flintlocks."
Scotty: "I didn't get that exactly, Captain. 100 what?"
Kirk: "A hundred serpents. Serpents for the Garden of Eden. We're very tired, Mr. Spock. Beam us up home."


The Gamesters of Triskelion

Scott: "Mr. Spock, the captain, Lieutenant Uhura, and Chekov, they vanished. They got onto the transporter platform and they just vanished."
Spock: "I presume you mean they vanished in a manner not consistent with the usual workings of the transporter, Mr. Scott."
Scott: "Aye, of course I mean that! Do you think I'd call you if they just beamed down?"

Spock: "We shall continue sensor scans, Doctor. At the moment, that is all we can do, except hope for a rational explanation."
McCoy: "Hope? I always thought that was a human failing, Mr. Spock."
Spock: "True, Doctor. Constant exposure does result in a certain degree of contamination."

McCoy: "Well, Mr. Spock, if you're going into the lion's den, you'll need a medical officer."
Spock: "Daniel, as I recall, had only his faith. But I welcome your company, Doctor."


Obsession
(The episode that always gets the "Fashion Television" theme song stuck in my head.)

Spock: "I hope I'm not disturbing you, Doctor."
McCoy: "Interrupting another autopsy report is no disturbance; it's a relief."

Spock: "I need your advice."
McCoy: "Then I need a drink. You need advice from me? You must be kidding!"
Spock: "I do not joke, doctor."

Kirk: "Don't push our friendship past the point where I have to take official action –-"
McCoy: "I'm not, Jim! This is professional! I am preparing a medical log entry on my estimation of the emotional status of the ship's captain."

Kirk: "Do I take it... that one or either of you think me unfit or incapacitated?"
Spock: "Correctly expressed, as recommended by the manual."

Spock: "There are many aspects of human irrationality I do not yet comprehend. Obsession, for one. The persistent single-minded fixation on one idea."

McCoy: "Monsters come in many forms. And do you know the greatest monster of them all? Guilt."

McCoy: (Quoting the executive officer of the Farregut) "'Lieutenant Kirk is a fine young officer who performed with uncommon bravery.'"

Spock: "Captain, the creature's ability to throw itself out of time-sync makes it possible for it to be elsewhere in the instant the phaser hits. There is therefore no basis for your self-recrimination; if you had fired on time and on target eleven years ago, it would have made no more difference than it did an hour ago - Captain Garrovick would still be dead. The fault was not yours, Jim - in fact, there was no fault."

Garrovick: "He saved my life, Captain -- I should be lying dead in there, not him."
(door opens)
Spock: "Fortunately, neither of us is dead, Ensign. The reversed pressure worked; the vent is closed."
Kirk: "Don't... misunderstand my next question: Mr. Spock, why aren't you dead?"
McCoy: "It's that green blood of his."
Spock: "My hemoglobin is based on copper, not iron..."
McCoy: "I'll bet he left a bad taste in the creature's mouth too."
Spock: "Colloquially expressed, but essentially correct."

Scott: "Captain ... thank Heaven!"
Spock: "Mr. Scott, there was no deity involved. It was my cross-circuiting to 'B' that recovered them."
McCoy: "Well, then, thank pitchforks and pointed ears!"

McCoy: "Crazy way to travel. Spreading a man's molecules all over the universe."


The Immunity Syndrome
(The episode where a giant amoeba eats spaceships and planets and stuff.)

Spock: "I have noted the passage of the Enterprise on its way to whatever awaits it. If this record should survive me, I wish it known that I bequeath my highest commendation and testimonial to the captain, officers, and crew of the Enterprise... the finest starship in the fleet."


A Piece of the Action
(The one with the gangsters! Another episode that's just too quoteable, especially once Kirk starts talking like the locals. So, I will leave you with just this one artifact of its glory: the creation of fizzbin.)

Kirk: "Gentlemen. Gentlemen. This, uh, this card game is a kid's game."
Kalo: "You think so?"
Kirk: "Oh, yes. I wouldn't waste my time."
Kalo: "Who's asking you?"
Kirk: "On Beta Antares IV, they play a real game. It's a man's game, but a little beyond you. It requires intelligence."
Kalo: "Listen, Kirk, I can play anything you can figure out. Take the cards, big man. Show us how it's played."
Spock: (sotto voce to Kirk) "I'm familiar with the culture on Beta Antares. There aren't games--"
Kirk: "Spock. Spock. Of course the cards on Beta Antares IV are different, but not too different. The name of the game is called, uh... fizzbin."
Kalo: "Fizzbin?"
Kirk: "Fizzbin. It's, uh ... not too difficult. Each player gets six cards, except for the player on the dealer's right, who gets seven."
Kalo: "On the right?"
Kirk: "The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays."
Kalo: "On Tuesday."
Kirk: "Mm-hmm. Oh, look what you got, two jacks! You got a half fizzbin already."
Kalo: "I need another jack."
Kirk: "No. If you got another jack, why, you'd have a sralk."
Kalo: "A sralk?"
Kirk: "Yes. You'd be disqualified. You need a king and a deuce, except at night, when you'd need a queen and a four."
Kalo: "Except at night."
Kirk: "Right. Ohhh, look at that. You've got another jack! Ha ha ha! How lucky you are! How wonderful for you. If you didn't get another jack, if you'd gotten a king, why, then, you'd get another card, except when it's dark, you'd give it back."
Kalo: "If it were dark on Tuesday."
Kirk: "But what you're after is a royal fizzbin, but the odds in getting a royal fizzbin are astron... Spock, what are the odds in getting a royal fizzbin?"
Spock: "I've never computed them."
Kirk: "Well, they're astronomical, believe me. Now, for the last card. We'll call it a kronk. You got that?"


By Any Other Name
(The episode where powerful aliens who have taken on human form force the crew of the Enterprise to take them to another galaxy, and the only way to stop them is by overstimulating them. You read that right. Scotty drinks one under the table, McCoy hops one up on speed, Kirk seduces one (with her enthusiastic help), and Spock and Kirk goad the leader into a jealous rage over the suggestion until finally they'll listen to reason. *facepalm* This one's weird, folks.)

Kirk: "Rojan, there's no reason to do this by force. Let's take your problem to the Federation. Research expeditions have cataloged hundreds of uninhabited planets in this galaxy suitable for colonization."
Rojan: "We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There's no other way for us."

Kelinda: "Oh - you are trying to seduce me."

Kelinda: "This business of love...you have devoted much literature to it. Why do you build such a mystique around a simple biological function?"
Kirk: "We enjoy it."
Kelinda: "The literature?"
Kirk: "Kelinda, I'm sorry I brought up the whole subject."
Kelinda: "Do you really regard this touching of the lips as pleasurable?"
Kirk: "I did."
Kelinda: "Curious. Let me try."

Spock: "Humans are very peculiar. I often find them unfathomable, but an interesting psychological study."

Kelinda: "This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function..."
Kirk: "Yes?"
Kelinda: "You realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject."
Kirk: "Yes. We do think a great deal about it."
Kelinda: "I've done some supplemental reading on it, and, uh..."
Kirk: "You have a question?"
Kelinda: "Yes... uh... I was wondering, would you please apologize to me again?"

Rojan: "These shells in which we have encased ourselves -- they have such heightened senses. To feel, to hear, to smell. How do humans manage to exist in these fragile cases?"

Kelinda: "Mmmmmm... Rojan has forbidden me to see you..."
Kirk: "Yes, that's too bad. Why do you defy him?"
Kelinda: "It's not a question of defiance! We were told to find out everything we could about you!"
Kirk: "Well, how's the research going?"
Kelinda: "I need some more experiments..."

Kirk: (while fighting with Rojan) "You thought I was taking your woman away from you. You're jealous! You tried to kill me with your bare hands. Would a Kelvan do that? Would he have to? You're reacting with the emotions of a human. You are a human!"
Rojan: "No, I cannot be!" (shoves Kirk to the door as Spock and McCoy enter and catch him)
Kirk: "I'm stimulating him." (McCoy pushes him back into the fight)

Kirk: "Look what's happened in the short time you've been exposed to us. What do you think will happen in three centuries? When this ship gets to Kelva... the people on it will be human. They'll be aliens, enemies!"
Rojan: "We have a duty. Our mission. We've got to accomplish any way we can."
Kirk: "Your mission is to find new worlds for your people to live in. You can still do that. We can bring this problem to the Federation. There are many planets in this galaxy that can be inhabited."
Rojan: "You would really do that? You would extend welcome to invaders?"
Kirk: "No. But we would welcome friends."
Spock: "Rojan, you are only a link in a chain following an order given 300 years ago. This is an opportunity for you to establish a destiny of your own."
Rojan: "Perhaps. Perhaps it could be done."


Return to Tomorrow

Kirk: "A simple transference -- their minds and ours."
McCoy: (sarcastic) "Quite simple. Happens everyday."

Scotty: "They're goin' to -- what?! Are they alright in the head, Doctor?"
McCoy: "No comment."

Kirk: "They used to say if man could fly, he'd have wings. But he did fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars, and then to the nearest star? That's like saying that you wished you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great great great great grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this. But I'm not because Doctor McCoy is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this. But I must point out that the possibilities, the potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great. Risk... Risk is our business. That's what this starship is all about. That's why we're aboard her."


Patterns of Force
(The one with the Nazis. And Spock's hairy chest.)

Spock: "Captain, I am beginning to understand why you earth men enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk."


The Ultimate Computer
(The one where they try to replace Kirk with a computer. Another instance of "discussing a computer to death".)

McCoy: "Did you see the love light in Spock's eyes? The right computer finally came along."

Wesley: "Our compliments to the M5 unit, and regards to Captain Dunsel; Wesley out."
McCoy: "Dunsel? Who the blazes is Captain Dunsel?"
(Kirk stiffens and walks toward the turbolift as Chekov and Sulu exchange uncomfortable glances)
McCoy: "What does it mean, Jim?"
(Kirk leaves)
McCoy: "Spock? What does it mean?"
Spock: "Dunsel, doctor, is term used by midshipmen at Starfleet Academy. It refers to a part...which serves no useful purpose."

McCoy: "This isn't chicken soup. I may be just a ship's doctor, but I make a Finagle's Folly that's known from here to Orion. I strongly prescribe it, Jim."

Spock: "Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him."


The Omega Glory

Cloud William: "I plegleia neptum flagumm; to pec, liforstand–"
Kirk: "-–and to the republic for which it stands; one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."