and you thought Jerry Springer could get convoluted

[eliyes]

The following is an edited transcript of me explaining parts of Egyptian mythology to lakidaa over AIM one day.

Thoth has two daddies!

Thoth: *arranges for his father and father's siblings to be born, via some clever gambling that lets his grandmother finally give birth*

Thoth: *swoops in when his two fathers have managed to accidentally produce another offspring and wears said offspring as a headpiece* :D
Horus the elder: *one-eyed blink*
Seth: OW! *rubbing head* Dammit, why do I always give birth through the forehead?
Horus the Elder: I dunno, but that Mycenean guy has been copying you, you know.
Seth: *dark mutter. thunder roll*
Horus the Elder: *washes face* Sorry about your testicles there. What was that you gave birth to, anyway? Thoth took it.
Seth: ...A replacement eye for the one I just poked on you.
Horus the Elder: !!! *chases after Thoth*

because I DEFY you to think of something UNNAUGHTY they could have been doing that resulted in an injured "weeping ivory tears" eye for Horus, injured testicles for Seth, and a child

clearly Seth accidentally spooged in Horus' eye, and Horus flailed and clawed Seth's testicles by accident, and then as Seth was doubled over, screaming like a woman in labour from PAIN, a moon popped out of his forehead
and Thoth was RIGHT THERE waiting :3
ninja scribegod!

and I wonder what Seth's various wives thought of this
although I don't blame him for throwing them over for Horus o.O
two of them were violent foreign twin goddesses who tended to crossdress and try to beat him up before taking what they wanted. he doesn't seem to have quite known what to do with that, considering his previous marital experience was his sister Nephthys
...who cheated on him with his brother anyway, so there you go
occasionally I hear Seth bitching about his family in my head and want to write it all down XD because it would be worse that Jerry Springer
because Seth and Nephthys were not fertile together, but Seth was obviously fertile with Horus, and Nepthys turned out to be fertile with Osiris.

Nephthys: *cheats, gets pregnant*
Seth: >:|
Nephthys: You don't understand me! *hides in the red lands*
Seth, Lord of the Red Lands: *facepalm* Yeah, right. *has beer with Horus and lets her be*
Nephthys: *gives birth!* :D.... wait, now what?
Anubis: :3 ?
Nephthys: Uhhh.... *gives to Hathor*
Hathor: Oh for - hello, dear.
Anubis: ...What just happened?
Hathor: Your mother is an idiot. Don't worry about it.

MEANWHILE
Horus: You know, maybe you should make up with your brother. I mean, seriously.
Seth: But he slept with my wife. B|
Horus: Yes, well, it happens.

Horus: Have you never lusted after your sister Isis?
Seth: >:| Meh. She's got a nice ass but she's a total bitch. She stole grandpa's name, you know.
Horus: Yeah, I heard. But if she were willing...?
Seth: *reluctant* ...I'd tap that.
Horus: So can you really blame Osiris? I mean, he's kinda ... slow, anyway.
Seth: *downs the last of his beer* Alright! I'll throw a party to give him a chance to apologise, and when he does, we'll whoop it up with no hard feelings! >:D
Horus: ...Not really what I meant, but alright.

Seth: *invites Osiris to party*
Osiris: *comes* :D
Seth & Osiris: *get very drunk*
Osiris: *completely fails to apologise, figuring either this is the "I forgive you" party or Seth doesn't know, in which case he ain't bring it up*
Seth: *gets mad that Osiris hasn't apologised, chops him into pieces* >:D
Isis: :O
Seth: HA! Next time, don't invite my wife over for an orgy without me! *hiccup*
Thoth: Jeez, dad. *drags Seth away so he can sleep it off for a few years or soemthing* Sorry, Aunt Isis.
Isis: *still :O*

Nephthys: *arrives home, discovers her husband thoroughly unconscious and snoring like you would not believe* :D *plays boardgames with her servants, totally unaware that her brother was killed in that same house just the night before* :D

Isis: D: I... what do I... DAMMIT!
Isis: *gathers up all the pieces of her husband to at least try to give him some kind of ... closure. this takes a few years*

Seth: *wakes up, gazes blearily at Nephthys (who beams back at him), eats some lettuce and goes back to bed*

Isis: *has all the pieces* NOW what?
Anubis: *clears throat*
Isis: Who are you?
Anubis: My name is Anubis, and I'm the god of embalming. Uh, I assume this is my father?
Isis: *peer* Ah. So you're my nephew. Yes, this is my husband, Osiris. Seth has killed him.
Anubis: No kidding. *not how he wanted to meet his father*
Isis:... Say, what's embalming?
Anubis: It's the preparation of the body of the dead correctly so that they may live on in the afterlife.
Isis: ...o.O
Anubis: Nobody's ever done it before. Do you mind if I...? *gestures at Osiris' parts*
Isis: Sure, go ahead.
Anubis: *assembles Osiris and makes him into a mummy* Er. I can't get his... um, fertility bits to lay flat.
Isis: They never really did... *has a Bad Thought*
Anubis: *hastily* ...uh, nice to have -- I'll just be going!
Isis: *turns into a hawk and has necro-bestial sex with her husband. We'll assume because she missed him or something.*

Osiris: *appears in the afterlife, king of the realm of the dead* *blink*
Anubis: *runs up, panting* Ah.. hi there... your majesty... Um...
Isis, meanwhile: *pregnant!* >:D

And then she names the baby after Seth's best friend, Horus, presumably to irk him.

pregnant!Isis: *shows up on Hathor's doorstep*
Hathor: B| This again.

Hathor: *summons Taweret, goddess of childbirth and menstruation and things that soothe evil evil cramping*
Taweret: *thinks Isis is a bit of a drama queen and decides she likes Seth better, but she likes Hathor best so she is helpful*

...I can't remember the names of Hathor's sons D:
one has a lotus flower on his head and can appear as a young male lion, and the other is the god of Hathor's sacred instrument

Horus the Younger: *not likely to grow up to be a manly warrior king with these for playmates*

although they're good guys

I like to picture all the Egyptian deities with lionine forms running around as a pride. there are a lot of lionesses, which makes sense.

lion!Atum-Re: B|
lioness!Sekhmet: *kills things and brings them to him* >:D
lion!Atum-re: *deigns to lick her ear and give her beer, for she is his favourite lioness goddess*