http://jo-the-phoenix.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] jo-the-phoenix.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] eliyes 2006-10-18 10:31 pm (UTC)

Looks great to me!

Typo: "I thought... that you are straight." Thought, not though.

""How could you not know?" Bobby asked, waving one hand at an imaginary audience, eyes on the ceiling...." This description of gesture kind of takes away from your scene, because for everything else, it has either been what JP has seen or heard.
Also, "Oh, please" (after the gaydar line, which I found quite cute), it might work to add a bit of description about Bobby's voice. Is he still yelling through the door? Is he muttering it? Is it difficult for JP to hear it? Give us a bit more.

"...Bobby's voice was bitter with knowledge. “yeah, well, I'll just be telling Miss Annie..." Capitalize "Yeah".

"..."Fine, yes. ...Er. I will try to stop me sister if she – well, but she tried to kill me last I saw her..." I would try something more along the lines of: "...I will try to stop my sister... but the last time I saw her, she tried to kill /me/..."

I like the title. I think "Faux Pas" works well. Great fic!

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